


Anxious

by hisheartshapedlips



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Angst, Anxiety, Anxiety Attacks, Based on 2016 MAMA, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Gen, Platonic 0T9, Stress
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-13
Updated: 2017-01-13
Packaged: 2018-09-17 04:13:18
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,722
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9303656
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hisheartshapedlips/pseuds/hisheartshapedlips
Summary: When it was first offered to him, Baekhyun jumped on the opportunity of performing a solo dance stage at the MAMAs. But now that the perfromance looms near, he starts to second guess himself.





	

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first fic on AO3, but I've been running a fanfic on Tumblr for over a year now, and recently I've opened up a AFF account too. My username is the same everywhere if you want to check out my other fics :)  
> I hope you enjoy this, I would really appreciate if you could give it a chance.

Baekhyun wiped the sweat dripping from his forehead all the way down his neck, dampening his shirt collar. He was out of breath and ready to call it a day, but with their big MAMA performance coming up, there was barely any time to rest. Of course, Baekhyun was looking forward to the performance, but he also couldn’t wait for it to be over so the managers would cut them some slack. The long hours in the studio, the exhausting dance practices and the few hours of sleep they managed to get every night were starting to take their toll on all of the members. Especially Baekhyun, who had to squeeze in personal practice time for his solo dance performance. When he had been offered the part, he had jumped on the occasion. But now that the performance was getting closer and closer, he was starting to second guess himself. What if he messed up? What if people laughed at him for taking the part when he wasn’t even one of the main dancers? What it the members were actually jealous, but cared too much to say anything to him?

“Earth to Baek! We’re running it again,” it was Jongdae who snapped him out of his reverie. Quickly emptying the contents of his third water bottle that day, Baekhyun joined the members in the center of the practice room. He shook off his worries and concentrated on staying in sync with his members, the exhaustion and heat making it harder to concentrate. He somehow managed to push through another two hours or so of dancing without too many mistakes. Surely, near the end, everyone was getting tired and messing up a bit here and there, but overall they had pretty much gone over the whole performance. They still had three days until the MAMAs and they would surely practice again in that time.

Everyone picked up their stuff and headed out. Baekhyun was the last to hop into the van before it departed towards the shared dorms. On the way there, it was pretty much silent. Usually loud and goofing around, the EXO members were too tired to do anything other than stare out the window with their earphones on or just doze off. Even Chanyeol, who was usually the moodmaker of the group, had his head rested against the window, eyes shut and lips slightly parted. Baekhyun was left alone with his thoughts, and the overwhelming worries he had shoved down earlier started to grow in the pit of his stomach. His leg bobbed up and down as he worried his lip. 

“Stop moving, would you,” he felt Xiumin’s hand on his tigh. The elder was leaning against the headrest with his cap covering his eyes. Baekhyun stopped the movement he hadn’t realised he was doing, only to feel the churn his stomach growing. He instead started unconsciously playing with his fingers, concentrating to avoid fidgeting. He felt restless, even though he was physically exhausted.

“I’m showering first!” Sehun exclaimed before making a run for the bathroom. No one complained, except for Suho’s discreet grunt. Yixing walked into the kitchen to grab something to eat before plopping down on the couch between Jongin and Chanyeol.

“Do you intend on sharing that or do you expect us to get ourselves some?” Kyungsoo asked somewhat irritably, although he was already standing up to get more.

“Sh-orry,” Yixing mumbled, his mouth full. He gave the members a sheepish smile before shoving more food into his mouth. As he moved to take another bite, the bag of snacks was removed from his hands and replaced by an orange.

“What the..?” Yixing looked up at Kyungsoo, who had just come back from the kitchen with his arms full of apples and oranges, with wide eyes. Kyungsoo almost felt bad for taking the snacks from him. Almost.

“At least eat something healthy. You don’t want to ruin all the work we did today, do you?” Kyungsoo said tiredly. He passed the fruit around to all the members as Yixing sighed heavily.

“It’s not like we’ll gain weight by eating three and a half chips when we work out almost twelve hours a day,” he complained, voicing everyone else’s thoughts.

“Sorry. Manager’s orders,” Suho simply replied. 

“I’m not hungry, thanks.” Baekhyun said quietly when Kyungsoo handed him an apple. Jongin, who was sitting next to him looked at him wide-eyed in surprise, before sweeping in and grabbing the fruit for himself.

Truthfully, Baekhyun was kind of hungry, but he couldn’t trust himself to keep anything down right now. His stomach had been churning dangerously since he got into the van and just the sight of the food made him nauseous. So he got up from his spot on the floor and quietly excused himself to his room. The members exchanged concerned glances: Baekhyun was usually goofing around and playing with Chanyeol or teasing Kyungsoo. He was rarely this calm, let alone quiet. But soon enough they brushed it off, blaming it on the exhaustion they were all feeling. 

They took turns taking quick showers, and retreated into their rooms for the night afterwards. Once again, Baekhyun was the last to go. He hid inside his room while he waited, sitting on his bed with his back to the door. When Chanyeol walked in, wearing an oversized red t-shirt and grey sweatpants, he turned even further away from the entrance, not feeling like having any kind of interaction.

“Everyone’s done in the bathroom,” Chanyeol told him as threw himself face-first onto his bed, sleeping as soon as his head made contact with the pillow. After a few seconds, Baekhyun could already hear his soft snores. He would’ve almost found it funny, if it wasn’t for the tightness in his chest. He slowly stood up, shuffling all the way to the bathroom and plopping himself down on the floor as soon as the door was closed. He pulled his knees up against his chest, the cold tiles under his feet causing his skin to break out in goosebumps. He took a shaky breath and vowed himself not to let himself cry. How pathetic would that be? 

Instead of dwelling in his anxiety, Baekhyun forced himself to his feet, his stomach protesting uncomfortably, and dug a clean towel from the cupboard. He busied himself with small tasks like washing his hair and brushing his teeth before shuffling back to his room. He climbed into his bed sheets, the warmth soothing his restlessness a bit. He could feel himself relaxing quickly, and thought this wouldn’t be such a bad night after all. He only hoped tomorrow would be a better day than today had been.

Deng! - Wrong. 

The two days leading to the MAMAs were a downward spiral towards dark despair. They were the worst two days in Baekhyun’s life, at least from what he remembered.

He woke up with a stubborn headache pounding between his temples, and the previous night’s queasiness hadn’t left. He made up a lame excuse to skip breakfast, earning himself concerned looks from the members, and headed to the dance studio early. He made his way by foot, the crisp winter air making him feel a bit better and the peace and quiet easing his headache. Sure, being with his members was fun, but 9 boys could turn out to be pretty loud. 

He used his spare time to practice his solo dance. As he ran through the rather short performance, he felt a growing uneasiness in his chest. He knew the moves, but he couldn’t get the feel right. He could feel tears of frustration prickling the corners of his eyes, but refused to let them fall. He was supposed to be a grown man, why was he getting frustrated over some dumb dance moves first thing in the morning? 

Baekhyun slumped to the floor, panting from the effort. He felt exhausted and it wasn’t even 7 in the morning. He ran a frustrated hand through his hair, wincing when his fingers caught a knot, and let out a long sigh. He had to get a grip, or else he would be a crying mess by the time the other members would get there for practice. But he couldn’t help the feeling inside of him: it was like he was losing all control and it made him anxious. Things were moving fast, yet he felt like he wasn’t accomplishing anything. He felt guilty for even sitting there doing nothing, but at the same time he didn’t feel like actually moving. It was frustrating, really. 

“Hey there early bird,” Chanyeol chanted playfully as he strode into the dance room, followed by the seven other EXO members. Baekhyun was caught off guard, not expecting them this soon, and scrambled to his feet. He thought he would have more time to practice his solo, but turns out he would have to stay out late tonight, again. He mumbled something that resembled a greeting and moved to the back of the room. 

The members were back to their playful, loud selves, the decent night of sleep paying off. Sure, 5 hours of sleep weren’t what everyone would call a long night, but it was almost a luxury for them these days. On the opposite, Baekhyun felt more and more tired every day. It was like even sleep wasn’t enough to wash away his tiredness. The more tired he felt, the more he messed up and the more it made him anxious. It was a vicious cycle and the only way out was if he aced that solo stage, which seemed highly unlikely to him at the moment.

Letting out a sharp breath, Baekhyun moved to his position on the dance floor. The group practice went smoothly, no one commenting on the way Baekhyun lagged behind and made a few missteps here and there. He, on the other hand, was growing progressively frustrated. After three hours or so, Baekhyun violently threw his sweat covered towel to a corner of the room and stormed out the door. Everyone froze, an uncomfortable silence hanging in the air. Baekhyun wasn’t usually one to get mad easily and when he did, it took everyone by surprise. Suho was the first to speak up.

“Maybe someone should go check on him?” the leader asked tentatively.

“I’ll go. You know, make sure he doesn’t break anything or hurt himself,” Chanyeol spoke up rather uncomfortably. He was used to goofing off with Baekhyun, not comforting or cheering him up. 

He slowly walked out of the dance studio, looking both ways for any signs of the other member. He guessed he probably wouldn’t hang out in plain sight, judging by his mood, but it didn’t hurt to look. Chanyeol instead made his way to the end of the hallway, where the men’s restrooms where. Slowly approaching, he listened for signs that Baekhyun was in there. Instead of the frustrated shouts or punches he was expecting, Chanyeol was greeted with low sniffles and an occasional sob.

His chest tightened as the sound reminded him of something Baekhyun had told him once:

Sometimes my anxiety gets the best of me and I feel so helpless. It’s like I can’t do anything, like I lose control of my own life.

Maybe something was making him anxious? He had noticed how distracted and tired his friend had looked over the past week, and the way he would toss and turn before falling asleep at night, but he hadn’t thought much of it at first. They were all tired and stressed and sometimes a simple question like “Are you okay?” was enough to make a tired member snap, so he had let it slide. But if things were getting this out of hand, then maybe Baekhyun needed help.

“Baek?” Chanyeol called softly, walking inside the bathroom. There were several stalls and he could see his friend’s lower back under the door at the farthest end. He was sitting with his knees pulled up to his chest, back facing the door.

Upon hearing the voice, Baekhyun sniffled and wiped at his tears.

“Hmm?” he answered, clearing his throat.

“Do you, um, wanna talk?” Chanyeol tried, not really sure what to say. He was surprised when his friend emerged from the bathroom stall, eyes shiny with tears and cheeks blotchy and red. His hand were shaking and he was doing his best to hide them behind his back, but still Chanyeol noticed. Despite his efforts, Baekhyun couldn’t stop the silent tears from falling. He wiped at them angrily, embarrassed and frustrated about his little public outburst. He was surprised when Chanyeol put his long arms around him and wrapped him in a bear hug. 

“You don’t have to if you don’t want to,” Chanyeol continued, and it took him a while to understand what he was talking about. Slowly pulling back, Baekhyun shook his head slowly.

“No… I think I should,” he said quietly. The tears had stopped and he felt strangely calm, as if Chanyeol’s bear hug has made all his worries fly away. But he knew it was only a matter of time until they came running back. “I think I owe you all an explanation.”

Chanyeol didn’t know what to respond. Instead, he nodded encouragingly and put his arm over his member’s shoulder. They made their way back to the practice room, the sweaty members looking up with surprised looks. They weren’t expecting the pair to come back this fast.

Baekhyun made his way to the center of the room, and instead of taking his usual dance position, he sat down cross-legged. He tapped the floor next to him, signaling his friends to do the same. Sharing intrigued looks, the members sat down in a circle.

“I’m sorry for being behind and slowing you guys down. I know I’ve been messing up a lot lately, especially this week.” Baekhyun said, leaving everyone speechless. He cast his gaze down to his sneakers, playing with one of his shoelaces as he continued. “I’ll work harder so I don’t mess up our performance.”

“Excuse me?” Jongdae spoke up first. “You’ve been behind?”

Baekhyun’s head shot up at that, eyes round and questioning.

“You’ve been working harder than any of us lately! How could you possibly be slowing us down?” Jongin stepped in. He had watched how Baekhyun practiced overtime and how his solo dance had been getting better and better.

Suddenly, it was too much and Baekhyun burst into tears. He had no idea what to think anymore. He felt like he was lacking in so many areas, yet his members were complimenting him. He felt a comforting hand on his back, which only made him cry harder. He felt so unprepared for the upcoming performance, so why weren’t his members pushing him harder?

“Baekhyunnie, you’ve been going above and beyond since you got that dance solo. You’ve been practicing on your own before and after dance practice, even with our ridiculously packed schedule. What more do you want to do?” Xiumin tried to reason his friend, the other members nodding to approve his statement. Baekhyun lifted his head to stare at all of them through his tears.

“But my solo isn’t on point yet…” Baekhyun tried to argue, but was cut off.

“Shh, we don’t want to hear it. You’re going to be amazing, and that’s that. Understood?” Kyungsoo interjected firmly but gently. The other members each threw in their personal compliments and Baekhyun felt his shoulders release some of the tension they had been holding for the last few days. His heart felt warm with his friend’s praise and for the first time in a while, he almost felt confident. 

The singer wiped at his face with the back of his hand, giving his members a small smile. He felt glad to have such supportive teammates.

“Thanks guys,” Baekhyun mumbled with a shy laugh. Now that he thought about, his anxieties seemed kind of stupid. He had let them get the best of him, once again.

“Next time you feel like you’re loosing the reins, talk to someone, yeah? We’re all here for you.” Lay said from his spot opposite to Baekhyun. He received a warm smile in return.

“For sure,” Baekhyun answered, thinking for the first time that things might actually go well.

**Author's Note:**

> Ugh, I’m so bad at describing human relations and interactions. Also, I’m sorry if this kinda dragged out… I didn’t include the actual MAMA performance, I hope you guys don’t mind. Feedback is always appreciated, so don't be shy to comment!! Until next time, byyyye!  
> -Val


End file.
